I shouldn't be here
by QuillDream19725
Summary: Where Sirius sums up life in Azkaban. Pretty angsty. Please read and review! Rated for language.


**Hey! Ok, this is basically how Sirius was feeling when stuck in Azkaban. Probably a oneshot but I might add to it. This is based on the song 'I shouldn't be here' from Bad girls the musical. It's brilliant if you haven't watched it. Anyway Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I am a fangirl with insane obsessions and no life. No I own nothing!**

Azkaban. There was no hell like it. Nothing changed. Screams echoed from cells full time. Sleep was filled with nightmares. And he was bored. Sirius had to admit; his life had hit an all time low. He knew he shouldn't be here. It was all Pettigrew's fault. "I shouldn't be here." Sirius muttered before snorting. Like they cared. Who was they? He didn't particularly know or give a toss. The bloody idiots hadn't even given him a trial. Sirius did not want to be here.

Merlin, he wished he were someplace else.

He'd gotten seriously bored of looking. That's all there really was to do here. You couldn't even think, without the Dementors putting a warped and twisted view on it. He hated being stuck here with all these mad psychopaths. He wasn't a murderer. He didn't torture people for fun. He wasn't like these Death eaters and sickos.

Hell yes, he didn't want to be here.

It was a long time since he'd been himself. How could he? His two best friends were both unreachable. James was dead after that rat had sold both him and Lily out. And Remus… it'd been over a decade since he'd last seen the werewolf. He didn't even know how he was doing. For all Sirius knew, Remus could have been killed long ago by a stray death eater, and he wouldn't have a clue. Merlin, he wished he could see his friends again.

This was certainly not how things were meant to have turned out. What, did he imagine back in Hogwarts, that they'd leave school and still be the dream team? The Marauders? Merlin, he'd been naïve.

How he wished for those times again. He still protected those memories form the Dementors as though they were priceless treasures. To him they were. There was nothing but memories left of his old life. It was all he really had left. Even his hair had given up on him.

He remembered the plan he'd set up with James long ago. They'd both planned at being Aurors. Fighting the evil and dark, it would have been great. He'd have loved it. Why did nothing ever turned out as planned?

He'd had plenty of those. Doubtless they were just crazy schemes but there were still some he could have had a stab at. Whether they'd have worked, Sirius was never going to find out. Never be able to settle down and start a family. Never be able to have a vaguely normal life. Hell, he'd never be able to see Harry grow up. Because that bloody rat had turned that all upside down. None of his dreams were ever going to happen, he was still trying to accept that, but there was still a tiny bit of hope in his head.

He'd been someone. He'd been a Marauder. It was unlikely Hogwarts was going to forget that in a hurry.

Doubtless Regulus was gone by now. Sirius remembered that he'd become a death eater. That meant he was either dead or a changed person. Still sometimes they'd been almost distinctly friendly to each other. Looking back on it, he hadn't been too bad compared to the others. Bellatrix… he could often hear her yelling her fucking allegiance to the Dark lord, how she would be rewarded. Ha, yeah right.

Narcissa… He had no idea. It'd been years. All that he remembered was that she'd married the Malfoy weirdo. He'd been a right arrogant pain in the arse. Andromeda… most likely the only nice person on the family tree. She'd always been his favourite cousin.

Oh, why him? Why not someone who actually deserved this shit? He hadn't even killed the rat like he'd been planning to.

So maybe he was out of touch. He didn't have a clue what was going on outside. World war three could have started for all he knew. Anything could have happened. Maybe Pettigrew was hiding, but in a dangerous place. He could attack someone. That'd serve them all right. He'd tried to warn them. Why was he thinking like he was giving up? There had to be some way out of here.

Every time the Dementors came to check on him he barely noticed. He was so fucking bored.

He was all alone. Time to face the facts.

The only place to escape to? His thoughts. And much good they did him. They just made him grieve all the more, for what'd he lost.

The only place he still could feel hope.

You couldn't do much to avoid those black shadowy creatures that fed on fear. Sirius was determined not to give them any.

on a beach. He smiled. That time had been brilliant. He remembered the water fight they'd had, and Remus laughing in the back ground… he never heard that sound anymore. Only shrieks of horror and madness.

Merlin, he'd do anything to get rid of the blues that haunted his mind.

He really missed those times.

Oh, he missed freedom.

He had nothing to lose. Everything he'd had was gone.

Nothing ever changed round here. Same old screams, same old bars, same old boredom, same old shit.

Everyday was the same. Every night nothing changed

Sirius snorted. Any life would be. better than here.

This was it. This was how he was going to end his days. Thinking the same thoughts, every goddamn moment of the rest of his goddamn life.

It sure isn't heaven. Was that even possible here?

This was probably what hell felt like.

No one was ever going to help him. He had to get out himself.

Of course they wouldn't understand. The damn ministry never did. Even if he told them his story, they'd dismiss it as mere fantasy, that the Dementors were messing with his head. They would never understand.

The days he'd spent here were all a blur. Mostly because they were the same.

God, he was bored out of his head. As if another week would matter.

As if it'd make much difference.

He had to find a way out.

He had to.

What was he doing moping? He was goddamn Sirius Black, one of the four Marauders. He couldn't give up. He had to get out of here.

There must be some way. He couldn't stand being stuck here. Now all he needed was a trigger to give him reason. Because he shouldn't be here.

 **Hope you enjoyed! I know it's the most random thing ever, but if you did enjoy please review! It only takes 10 seconds and it means a lot! Seriously 10 seconds to make someone's day. That's all it takes.**

 **If you like the teen marauders check out either 'The Marauder's pass notes', 'Why the hell do you have a hamster', or 'Witch doctor the marauders'. They're not bad.**

' **I shouldn't be here' is from Bad girls the musical. Awesome song, I know it's on YouTube somewhere.**

 **Have a good day!**


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